Twenty Twelve. One. Last. Farewell.

"But I also pray that I will praise Him when the pain comes back. When things break and things aren't easy.

Teach me, Jesus, please teach me to trust You. To give You my expectations of how You should use pain in my life. I want to know in my soul and trust that You know exactly how much I can take. You won't give me an ounce more. What a gentle God. Alleluia."

I wrote those words this summer in a blog post and tucked it away for a day like today when the pain is back. I am so glad that YHWH is still on the throne on days like today, that He still loves me very much, that some things never change. He is very gentle and compassionate.

Looking back, 2012 has been a wild year. 

Got in my first mini-wreck.
Found a new church that I LOVE.
Started helping in a new ministry. WHICH I ALSO LOVE.
Rode the Max. By Myself. Probably Stupid. But I met beautiful people, hungering for truth and love and Jesus.
Became a junior in college.
Was tested for Lupus and then told it's just eczema after meeting with several doctors.
Worked at a Radiator Shop the whole summer. Jesus met me. Changed me. Loved me.
Went to Iowa for a family reunion, went tubing, etc.
Became good, good friends with a man who I LOVE deeply. That season is ending, and I hurt very much, but I'm trying to cherish every memory. No regrets.

And I learned a few things. Or was taught a few things.

I learned that I can't put expectations on pain, on how long it should last for God to still be good (He is good, and He determines what we need. He is gentle too.).
I've learned the power of this verse: "We love because He first loved us." We must know His love in order to love.
I've learned that He is the God of encouragement and endurance. YHWH longs to encourage His children and calls for us to run farther and deeper, to keep going when times get hard, to work things out with each other. He is cheering for us.
I've learned a little more the power of God's grace and what it can do to someone who longs to give their life over to the LORD. Beauty.
I learned that God wants to be known as He relates to His people, "Slow to anger, merciful, gracious, abounding in love, . . . " etc. 
I've learned again that God is trustworthy and that He answers wild prayers.
I've learned the importance of "embracing the lonely" and that I have to be fully dependent on Jesus.
I've learned that there are some things we will never understand nor have good answers for . . . but the LORD can carry our unanswered questions. He is strong enough.
I've learned that laughter really is good for the soul. And so are tears. 


Dear dear Father,

This year was hard. You know. I struggled with You so much, especially the first half of the year, not understanding You, not understanding where You were at and what I was feeling and why I was feeling what I was feeling. 

And then You sat me down by a lake in a Sweet Home summer and taught me about Your compassion through Isaiah.

And You revived my soul, and You let me be YOURS. Really YOURS. I knew I was loved by You. 

And I thank You for all the precious gifts of this year.

For some of the best friends a girl could ask for. <3>
For good memories and crazy adventures and lots of encouraging texts.
For all the tears and the tough places and for those You sent to keep me going through them.

Thank You for speaking to me and for sending me incredible opportunities and beautiful people. Thank You for putting Yourself in me. God-in-me. Holy Spirit. 
Thank You for nestling me into a church and surrounding me with people who care. This may be only for a season, who knows, but I am so grateful for it!

You know my heart, Jesus. You know it's not feeling very good today, but Your love will outlive my pain. We are yours.

I have no idea what a new year holds. It's kinda terrifying, Jesus. 

But as long as You go with me, I'm ready. 

I love You very much. Thank You for loving me. 
In the Name of JESUS,
Amen.

Trusting. Completely.

It's finals week! And you know what that means: BLOGGING! ;)

It's time for a study break, even though it's 12:33am and more studying is awaiting me. :)

I've been thinking a little about trust lately. Trusting the LORD.

I had a lovely date with one of my gal-friends last week, and we were talking about our futures and trusting Jesus, and it struck me.

When we trust Jesus only part-way, the future is TERRIFYING!

Only partial trust is practically no-trust.

Imagine.

You're in an old, creaky building. The slabs of hardwood floor are dusty, and you're sincerely worried that you'll fall through the floorboards. You're confident in some of the rooms of the house and some of the pieces of the floor. Some of the floorboards seem sturdy, especially in some rooms of the house. But in other rooms, you're not so confident. There is always that fear that this one floorboard you step on will be the one floorboard that caves in. Partial trust is terrifying.

And by not trusting it all, you're not really trusting that floor.

You're labeling it inadequate, faulty.

At least in parts.

But if part of it is untrustworthy, how can it be considered trustworthy?

Uh . . . shoot.

When I only trust Jesus partially and yet partially distrust Him, I'm saying He's faulty. He is not completely reliable.

But, I picture a little child, completely trusting her father as her dad leads her around the hardware store and then near the playground in the park. The child is not afraid of anything because she fully trusts in her dad. She doesn't think of doing anything else.

Full trust means full freedom . . . no fear.

And as I stand in the place of needing to trust Jesus with things dear to my heart and with an unknown, unclear future, I am asked to embrace a full faith that trusts. Completely.

That trusts that YHWH is all He says He is. He is trustworthy. He is reliable. He wants good for us (and only He knows what that looks like). He is on our side. He loves us. Oh how He loves us. :)

So come what may, Jesus? I trust You. Fully. I have no reason to fear. You have proven again and again that You are trustworthy, that I can lean into You and be led by You, and You will lead me by those green pastures and quiet streams.

So I'll let go.

You are in complete control.

Thank You. :)

*Note, it is so much easier to say this than to live it. Help me, LORD? I need You.*

One Last and Only November Post 2012

I don't get it. I really don't. How could this whole month go past, and I haven't blogged once until now?

And I really should be going to bed. I'm exhausted, but I had to write one short post. :)

Jesus reminded me on Tuesday that He is the Good Shepherd. He lays down His life for His sheep. What does this mean? God, laying down His life for me. What is this? This sacrifice soooo incredibly unbalanced and I so undeserving?

And the hired hand runs when the wolf comes. The Shepherd doesn't. Jesus? You see the danger ahead of me, don't You? You don't run when it comes. You are the best Protector. Please show me how to trust You for this. I love You.

31st Post: Letter to Brokenness

I'm twenty-seven minutes late from posting this blog into yesterday. Shoot. But I still accomplished 31 days I guess.

31 days of brokenness.

So here's my {temporarily} final words.

Dear Brokenness,

Yeah, I know it's kind of funny that I'm writing you. I really don't have time (I'm supposed to be doing homework), and you're not the most pleasant thing to write to, and quite honestly, I'm not even sure what you are. 

But I wanted to tell you that it's been an interesting journey walking with you for thirty-one days. I do apologize. I was pretty distracted some of these days and didn't learn as much from you as I would have liked, but I do really like the way you often lead me to Jesus. You keep me on my knees, Brokenness, and you remind me that in my own, I've got nothin'. 

I'm learning that a lot of different things send you my way. Sometimes it's Sin and her consequences that send you knocking on my door. Sometime's, it's a Contrite Heart that sends you my way. Sometimes, you just come see me so you can give me Humility.

You are often the one I must go to in order to get to Healing. I don't always like that very much, but I do like the healing, and I can trust Jesus to send you. So, . . . thanks. :)

Thank you for everything. Please remain in my life in the way Jesus wants. Make me better and stronger even in my weakness. Make me more humble and more aware of my need for the LORD. Make me more aware of the needs of others.

Well, I gotta run. Thanks again for everything . . . even the painful moments. 

Sincerely Yours,
danae :)

Day 30: Broken Bread

I heard this song by Rend Collective Experiment at the beginning of the semester: Broken Bread. I love it. Here are the words.

May I be broken bread, may I be poured out wine
May I incarnate Your kindness, Lord

Spend my life, Jesus, anyway You please
Whether on great things, or what seems small

Your will done your way
Your will done your way
Your will done your way

I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight You
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call

Do not let there be, any part of me
That’s untouchable, unreachable

Let my delight be living out Your dreams
Washing dirty feet, and kissing yours

God, let Your dreams come true, dream through us
God, let Your dreams come true through us

While the last part about God's dreams may sound a little too Americanized, I love the rest of it and want it to be my theme song.

The broken bread imagery sticks out to me. Broken bread is a theme through the gospels.

Jesus thanked Father, broke the bread, and fed thousands.

Jesus thanked Father, broke the bread (His body), and passed it to His disciples.

Jesus IS the broken bread. Broken. And we are healed.

It is through His brokenness that we can be fed and healed.

And Jesus? I come to You. I come to You as You are the One who was broken. This should change the way I come to You, shouldn't it? You are so tender-hearted. So gentle. So powerful. Powerful enough to let Yourself be broken. 

for me.

This should shine a light on each sharp edge of my brokenness, shouldn't it? You were broken first. You sacrificed first. Let me follow You. My heart aches, but can I be broken bread for You? I don't know what I'm asking, do I? Lord, I'm not even sure my heart is there to really mean what that question implies. Can we reach this place? Can You grow me up to this? 

To this point of full surrender? Of giving everything? Of loving You in such deep ways that I desire any opportunity for sacrifice? You know I am so selfish. So. Disgustingly. Selfish. 

I get claustrophobic in the process and afraid that I'll never get out of this selfishness. So sick of what I see in myself some days, forgetting that You're working on me, and this looks like process.

I've got a lot of ideas for how I want the end to look like, Jesus! Oh. Uh. You already got that covered, don't You? ;) Okay.

Well, thank You for being broken for me. Wow. For doing it so willingly and lovingly. I don't deserve You. But thank You. So, soooo much.

I love You.
Simply Yours

Day 29: Alabaster Something Or Other's :)

I am so tired tonight in more ways than one. So much on my heart. A giant or two smashing through my mind, leaving shreds of incomplete thoughts.

And brokenness. What about brokenness?

How do I follow the King who lets Himself be broken for His people?
How do I let myself be affected and broken-hearted as Jesus seems to have been affected by others' pain?

Steep me in Your presence, LORD.
I am tired, but maybe You could strengthen me in order to break me like that Alabaster Jar?
Does that analogy even make sense?
I don't know, Lord. 
I don't know. I don't want to pretend to know tonight. 
So hold me? Please, will You come near and let me feel Your breath? I love You, my King. I am so glad to be safe in You. Thank You for such love. :)

Day 28: All the Broken Pieces

I'm lame, but I'm feeling sick, so I'm going to post a brokenness song today. ;)



This song sings about surrendering the brokenness.

I think so much of our brokenness comes from our pasts, or at least, I feel many associate brokenness with their pasts. It's so tied to shame.

I have seen a lot of my friends walk in cruel, relentless shame . . . it has ripped and tattered them. I know there has to be freedom from this; I'm just not sure what that looks like. I'm sure there are much more complicated answers than simply "Give[ing] them up to [the LORD]," though I'm sure that must happen.

Anyways, these are my thoughts for the night. Now it's time to sleep. :)

Have a good night, world.

Day 27: Survey. Others Define Brokenness

Awhile back, I sent several of my friends a survey to fill out on brokenness. I wanted to share some of the results that I got from that with you! :) I'm learning that "brokenness" is a very broad term with different nuances, something that comes up in the way people answered my questions. Here's the first one for now:

How would you define brokenness?

Something that is not whole and that needs to be put together that is stopping the said thing from being what/who they are created to be.

comfort or security being split apart, taken away, disintegrated

reaching the end of yourself

Brokenness lacks one-ness--it is disjoined. Brokenness inherently begs and calls for restoration.

being at the point of being unable to make sense of the mess of your life on your own

Brokenness is wounds of the soul--the pain, suffering and discouragement that come from living in a fallen and sinful world.

"""He must increase, but I must decrease."" John 3:30
""We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.""2 Corinthians 4:8-11

Brokenness/suffering is a catalyst that allows for manifestation of Christ in our daily lives.  He must increase, and we decrease in order that he may be fully known not only to us, but to those around us.

"

The Lost Day 26: Feelings & Truth

So, it wasn't until the clock struck midnight . . . okay, it was after midnight to be honest . . . that I realized I didn't blog yesterday! Ah shoot. So, I'm going to try to do two blog posts tonight. Really fast. :)

So, here's to the lost Day 26.

I wonder if the Lord has been showing me about feelings this week. Oh My Sweet Goodness. And what a week of feelings. :)

I'm threaded into a post-modern generation. I believe in absolute truth for sure, but I am heavily influenced by my generation's culture and the way we prize experiences and value feelings. We're the "I feel like . . . " generation.

There are definitely really positive things to this, but there is also this subconscious suggestion that feelings equal truth, and that just isn't true.

Truth goes farther than my feelings. {postmodern generation}
It plunges deeper than my even my human logic. {modern generation}

Anyways, I know "brokenness" is used in so many ways, but it can be a feeling word for sure.

When we're broken, sometimes we don't feel like God is close. Sometimes, God feels like He's slipped out of the room. A passive-aggressive God who will not sit with me in my self-inflicted pain.

I don't think God's like that.

I believe He is holy. I believe He hates sin. I believe that consequences for our sin come.

But I think He remains true to His faithfulness and His love along with His holiness towards us in our moments when we arrive broken.

When I feel like running away from Him in my brokenness, will I run? Or will I stay?
When I feel like He is far away, letting me feel the shame as punishment for my sin, will I believe my feelings or question them?

YHWH remains consistent in His character . . . no matter how I'm feeling. Feeling does not determine truth. Jesus does. Even in our brokenness.

Day 25: Wholeness Prayer

Lord?

What does it mean to be whole? Restored? Redeemed? What does it mean, after all the pieces crack and shatter on the tile floor, to submit to Your hands and Your piecing back together all the ruins?

I've talked about brokenness, but Jesus, what about wholeness? How do I learn to walk towards You and to walk towards healing from sin?

Please grab me by the hand and lead me. Home.

Day 24: I'm {truly} Okay

The feelings of brokenness hit today. The lonely, heart-aching.

But it was perfect.

It sent me on my knees in a little prayer chapel in the Northeast corner of Portland. :)

And I prayed, and He filled that little chapel with His presence and His peace.

I remembered that He is the One I want most of all and that I would rather be driven to pain as long as I run into His presence bleeding than be aimlessly chasing rainbow ends without a cloud in the sky. :) This isn't easy to say, even though it sounds kinda pretty, and sometimes, I don't feel it, but I know it. 

I should confess though that I didn't always feel peace in my brokenness today. When I first woke up, I woke up desperate. I HATE that feeling, the feeling of desperate loneliness like there's nothing you can do to be free. I don't feel it too often, but when I do, I want to panic. My mom prayed for me over the phone though and the peace came.

His peace will meet us in brokenness, and when His peace is there, we'll make it. :) I'm sure of it. I'm not sure His peace will always feel the way we expect it to feel? (I don't know), but I'm sure He will come into it with us.

Brokenness doesn't have to be bad. Especially if it propels us into the presence of our Savior. Especially if it causes us to trust Him more, as one of my best friends reminded me.

I'm not prepared to say "It Is Well" for every wildly horrific situation that could come into my life (Jesus would have to prepare me each time), but the Lord gives me grace in the now and in this time to let the words seep and sing, and I want to say it honestly, but by His grace, it is well with my soul. Jesus is trustworthy. I may not feel safe or extra energetic or good per se, but His arms will keep me. alleluia. I'm okay. :)

Day 23: let the waters rise

let the waters rise

if You want them to

i will follow You

i will follow You.

- mikeschair

the waters are rising, and i wonder if the past weeks of incredible joy were the preparation, the rest, before it's time again for the dam to be opened . . . for the water to rise again.

brokenness.

okay, Jesus.

You and me. 

let the waters rise. it's okay.

but i don't want to say that because i think i can handle it. You know i can't. i know i can't.

but when You put me again back in these moments of dependence, like one of Your sons said, 

it's all worth it. and You will come like the spring rains . . . You're right here. :)

hallelujah.

let the brokenness come . . . let the waters rise higher. "it's just You and me here now. it's only You and me here now." 

i am safe in Your arms. 

Day 22: Teach Me to Hate Sin

One of my sweet friends had me over for dinner tonight. We laid the blanket down on her bedroom floor and had a picnic dinner of yummy, homemade soup and bread and chocolate for dessert. :)

She asked me what I've been learning. I wasn't really sure, but I told her that I've been focusing on brokenness this month. To be honest, I really don't feel like I've been learning what I expected or that I've been changed in the way I expected. She wondered if maybe I've been changed in different ways though. I hope so. I guess God rarely works in ways we expect.

One thing that I've really wanted God to do in my life is to teach me to hate my sin. To HATE. With passion. I struggle to hate. This evening though when I was praying with one of my friends, I asked God to forgive us for our sin . . . that feels so good. Sometimes, I forget to ask Him to forgive me. I forget that I sin. That sounds dumb. It is dumb, but it's true. Sometimes I focus so much on relationship with the Lord that I forget that He is still holy and righteous and that anything I do or think that doesn't align with His character is sin. Anyway, as I prayed that, it was so refreshing and freeing, and I wonder if maybe I'm getting it a little bit . . . what it means to come to God, realizing I am broken. I don't function properly yet. He's working in me and redeeming me, but until Heaven, I won't be fully restored.

Coming to God with the understanding that I sin and that it affects Him should leave me with a broken heart.  A contrite heart. I want this. I want this to affect my prayer life. To affect the way I see others. To affect the way I see God's goodness . . . a goodness that comes and loves me, even in my dirty. I want brokenness to change the way I see and change the way I love. It can. I know it can.

Day 21: Don't Stop the Madness

I'm heading out to a Tenth Avenue North / Audrey Assad / Rend Collective Experiment concert in a little less than 2 hours. Jesus is INCREDIBLE. I had been looking at this concert near the beginning of the school year, thinking it would be fun to go but not so much for $25. Well, through a series of events, a radio station gave me FREE TICKETS!!!!! when I wasn't expecting them by any means. The Lord answers some crazy desires so unexpectedly . . . He is such a good gift Giver!

Well, anyway, I've been listening to a few Tenth Avenue North's songs on YouTube before I head to the concert, and I heard this one.



It's a song that asks God to let the pain and the chaos and really the brokenness come in order to keep us on our knees.

This truly is an upside down kingdom.

I LOVE this line:

"If you promise pain it can't be meaningless

So make me poor if that's the price for freedom"

I have been so recently aware of the wonderful life I'm living right now. Seriously. I have the best friends. I get to study the Word of God. I have two great jobs. I have my own space. I have been so blessed by others' love and gifts and words this past week . . .

but am I putting too much weight in this? Do I really desire Him to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to keep me on my knees? To keep me worshiping God?

And I am sincerely faced with the very real question:

Am I leaning on the goodness of my life?
Or
Am I leaning on the Giver of all Good, the One who works even our pain and the rough, soul-tearing experiences for our good?

Lord, please reveal my heart. Show me my motives . . . please bring me always on my knees. Do what You have to, Lord. I would rather be with You in pain than run away from you in what I think is happiness. Please.

Day 20: God Knows Brokenness

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! See, your house is left to you desolate. For I tell you, you will not see Me again, until you say, 'Blessed is He who comes in the name of the LORD.'" - Jesus

Do You hear His heart? 

"Yet I will leave some of you alive. When you have among the nations some who escape the sword, and when you are scattered through the countries, then those of you who escape will remember me among the nations where they are carried captive, how I have been broken over their whoring heart that has departed from me and over their eyes that go whoring after their idols. And they will be loathsome in their own sight for the evils that they have committed, for all their abominations. And they shall know that I am the LORD. I have not said in vain that I would do this evil to them."  - God in Ezekiel 6:8-10

Broken.

God knows brokenness for those He loves who have left Him.

Our Jesus knows a compassion that makes Him cry in brokenness over loss (remember Lazarus' story?). 

Our God allows Himself to be affected by our sin and I would venture to say our pain.

 Do I know this? Does this cross my mind when I cry to Him in my pain or when I sin against Him? 

The Creator knows brokenness. He understands. How do I respond?

Day 19: Chaos

Brokenness doesn't have to be chaos, does it?

Send me broken in Your peace.

amen.